Acknowledge, Accept, Allow

I acknowledge where I am in this moment

I accept where I am in this moment

I allow things to flow as they will in this moment.....

Some long held beliefs have been bugging me
* Making money is important
* Creating BIG change in many people is important
* Helping others is important
* Multitasking is possible

So I have been feeling them, sitting with them and now writing about them to see what transpires. Making money is NOT important for me, allowing abundance to flow, YES, and this happens when blockages are released and intentions are set in line with core values. Money simply comes and goes along with happiness, sadness.......and ALL the many areas of being human. Money is energy, it is not needed by itself, it comes with positive vibes of living a life from my own inner truth.

Creating BIG change in others lives I no longer believe IS possible. The only way I can create change is by being myself, delving deep within to reach for the authentic me, from this comes inner change and others may suit these ideas , see and hear a position they agree with others may not. Individuals choose the change they need in their lives.

Helping others is important YES as long as I am in alignment with the moment. I need to balance my energy, listen to my body and its needs and helping others will come naturally as we humans love each others company (well mostly :))

Multitasking is possible, no longer feels right for me. It still happens in my life for sure, with two small people and a myriad of projects on the go. I simply, in this moment believe it is difficult to do justice to any one thing if i am juggling a few things.....

So what does this look like for my reality?

Learning more about how abundance energy looks like for me, living more sustainably and not feeling tied to the "system" and all the obligations this brings. Looking at needs versus wants and motivation behind wants. Listening to my inner truth and wisdom, knowing that my truth will bring what ever it brings as long as I follow my heart great things happen in the form of special moments that I can only appreciate by living in the moment and focussing on the present happening. Whether that be doing the dishes to keep order in our home, or working with a group of children on a project, cooking a nourishing meal or gardening to create the food for our meals. Knowing what I love to do and doing it, taking a rest when my body asks, connecting to nature in a way that nourishes my soul xx

A New Era

We moved country, from Australia to New Zealand July 2013. I left behind a strong group of SelfDesigning, home learning families with an intention of starting a new group here in New Zealand to join on this journey of living and learning together. It didn't take long to generate interest as we already had a network of friends from our previous stint in NZ and being 'like minded' some were interested in home learning with their children.

The group has stayed small with four families and this got me thinking how can this community of learners look for us. After establishing a facebook page called Taranaki Learners (named after the province we live) which at the time of this writing has nearly 50 members, I noticed that apart from those signed up to SeflDesign Learning Circle no one else was ready to take the leap and leave school behind or not use the system.

As creating a community of Learners has been something I have been thinking about for a few years, and felt very passionate about, this seemed like a great opportunity to go for it! So what was stopping me from creating a community of learners? Yes a nearly three year old still needs a little more time, though nearly 6 year old wanted playmates closer to her age everyday. Delving deeper the fears came up, not being good enough, not "succeeding", not being heard and seen to have something of value to give. Processing that by acknowledging, accepting and allowing these feelings to be I am able to move on with renewed excitement for life as we begin this new era of learning as a group.

I am being in a place of no expectation and open to possibility by setting clear intentions knowing that these are open to change with the needs of the group, all ages having the same input.

We start tomorrow using SelfDesign tools and the framework at our core, I am so very excited at the same time feeling present, centred and balanced in the knowledge that what ever unfolds it is the process and each moment that is to be relished and enjoyed what ever emotions this brings up for me.......the rainbow of life xx

Children and Choice

Children arrive in this world perfect in every way and every single one is different, as we all have unique gifts to share with the world. They are a bundle of reliance on us as the parent and they know it is perfect. Being nurtured and cared for every minute is how it is going to be, why would they feel otherwise, born into this place with such loving caring parent/s.

Then we f*** it up for them. We start telling them right from the start how it is going to be, we start telling them what the world looks like and behaves like, we start telling them what is expected of them. Just like what was done to us right from the start and just like that voice in our head tells us……expectation, judgement, guilt, shame.

Why oh why do that, can’t we leave this child, brand new to the earthside world in their pure understanding of perfection? Can’t we leave them believing they have it all and everything is possible?

The one who is a daughter to me, when just gone 3 years old said “Why not?” I had no real authentic reason to respond to that! So then I made a conscious CHOICE to say YES to it all.

Yes life is perfect just the way it is, yes we have everything we need right here right now, yes you can have that chocolate for breakfast, yes we can go to the park right now, yes you can stay up until you are ready for sleep, yes you can watch that tv show for the tenth time…..yes yes yes. Why could I say yes to all these things because we have a CHOICE, it is their choice for the taking and my choice to support and advocate for both my daughters to have what ever they need in their experience in the moment.

And guess what…….the world didn’t blow up in my face because I was a bad mother, in fact the children started to respond to the yes’s by being much happier and more fun to be around, I started to become more happy and fun to be around! We started to feel this (for me) new found freedom and explore the world in ways I didn’t know was possible. I was learning a whole new way to be in this world that they already knew and I LOVE it! We were learning every moment, every moment being an opportunity for growth and learning. I feel energized, free and liberated.

Freedom to choose is living life to its fullest, why do we take this away from children right at the get go. What makes them so different to us in their capabilities to make choices? Even if they are a little unsure or unthoughtful in their choices how else are they going to learn this basic human trait if they haven’t been given their full right to exercise their brain, body and soul in this area. Isn’t it up to us to guide them with our more extended knowledge and then allow them to forge their own path?

If you hold on to any power over in your relationship with your child by choosing for them there will be repercussions in the form of rebellion, addiction, hatred, fear……who wants that?

So here we are giving ourselves the choice to do anything we want anytime we want……..so how does that look without their being a whole lot of crazy repercussions.

I am also being a role model for balance, choosing predominantly food that is going to nourish me and encouraging them with what this can look like, I choose to balance between outdoor active fun and indoor time with technology rest and sleep, I choose to challenge myself to use my brain and think outside the box for inner growth and expansion, I choose to nourish my soul by giving myself the time or activities I need to live in a place of thrival, I choose to ask for help and support when needed to move through challenges that are faced, I choose to be grateful for what I have in this moment and see the abundance everywhere.

Awakening

Its happening I am here right now feeling alive and present in my aliveness and possibilities for adventure in each moment.

Why? and How? Because it is so much easier to make my decision and choices in each moment when I am aware of what matters most.

What? LOVE that is all that matters, it is simple! Come from a place of love and from your heart and the choice for each action or thought comes naturally and easily. If you are not sure how to do this , stay very still, listen and observe your breathing, slow it down, feel your heart then you will know what needs to be done next in each moment and all is great :) Relationships will be deeper with more meaning, connections will remain strong and loving, creations will be imaginative and inspiring!

This moment I felt the need to write, I want to share my journey towards Self Love and Love of all that is because by doing this I am validating who I am and not hiding, thinking no one would want to hear me go on about MY life.....this is not about me we are all connected every thing we do is for each other and the earth. If you can't imagine that think of the children step into their shoes and look at yourself, is this what you want them to be seeing? They see us all of us, thought and action!

Now I am beginning to understand the impact ALL my actions and thoughts have I can begin to really take RESPONSIBILITY for myself and part of that is going to mean sharing this journey from being born into a family of school teachers intrenched in the system, to becoming a school teacher, and then breaking free and moving towards really being MYSELF and not answering to or looking for answers from anyone else and knowing that especially institutions and systems are not a place for finding who I am. I am so grateful for where I have come from as this is also me at the same time it has given me the contrast of what I want to move away from and understanding of how I can use others, their information, then look in my heart for my own truth.

BEING FREE, free to be me, free from the judgement, blame, guilt that has been a huge part of my past for generations, because of the indoctrination of society and all that comes with it. No more have to's, should's, what if's. I have woken up and can see things for what they are......it is an illusion of our perception. I can do what ever I want and dream of what ever I want to see happen and it will! We have a choice.

The community I want to be part of is one where we grow together in peace, love and harmony always celebrating each other, always being open to new questions and each others different perspectives, always being open to new and creative ways of doing things and moving towards the most sustainable options. Focussing on positive solutions and how to put them in place whether thought or action as they are more often than not melded together.

Mackay Learners https://www.facebook.com/groups/397982793615213/  has been that for myself and the girls who call me "Mum". The supportive, nurturing people in this group are absolutely amazing. We learn together, we grow together and explore our world to create our dreams. Mackay Learning Circle through SelfDesign www.selfdesign.com has been a supportive on line community where we have been able to explore our inner most feelings and let go of limiting belief systems. The tools and strategies and most importantly mentors have meant I have awakened to my potential and can see I am already flooded with light :) I am here now with everything I need, everything from here on in is a bonus as I see the positive in all that I come across whether it is something for me to accelerate some growth or remove limitations or something to bask in the beauty of what is.

Now we are moving on in our adventure we call life, we move back to New Zealand (after four years in Australia) with so many new friends, so much personal growth, so open to possibilities that will happen in any way we choose. I have clarity around how I can live my truth in this world and know that there is certainly so much "living" to be done. I feel my power to create the world around me that I want, I feel the strength that is in others that can be of help through the challenging times. I see those that do not help me and can move on from these people and allow them to create the journey they choose as it is their choice.

I have 5yo on my lap as I am finishing this writing, she choose not to go with her Dad (my incredible loving partner in this life) to the beach with little sister. She is attempting to draw some pictures and alternating between enjoying this process and celebrating with herself and me and scribbling all over it angrily wanting it to be a certain way hmmmmm what is going on here......living..... this is it, contrast ebbs flows being with what is, loving them exactly where they are, loving ourselves exactly where we are.

She could start school now???

2013 and Grace will be five in March, therefore is of school age. Observing my thoughts around this have been an eye opener in itself. I keep reminding myself it has only been really since Grace was two that I woke up to this new awareness of how life could be. Before then I was still in the classroom teaching two days a week since she was 10 months old so my deschooling journey only began 3 years ago, probably more like the first Conscious Parenting conference I attended in 2011. And what a journey it has been, rethinking EVERYTHING, every little thing from the moment I wake up in the morning to notice what kind of attitude I have to what I eat for breakfast which has gone through so many massive changes trying to work out what fits ME and not what I think I "should" be eating because it is "healthy". Even what time I go to bed at night (yes I was one of those with a strict bedtime for myself lol).

So Grace now has freedom to choose what she eats, choose when she needs her rest, choose what activities she will pursue in any given moment and hence choose what, when and how her learning will happen. Only she knows these things, I can find out by asking though she is the one who needs to learn what works for her and what better time to start than now. Learning is life I mean.... living in the moment, being excited by what transpires or allowing the tears to flow if need be. Emotions have also been set free and allowed the space they deserve, this has been the hardest one for me to acknowledge that yes I have emotions and no they don't disappear miraculously if you ignore them!

My thoughts around school have ranged from reassuring myself we are on the right path choosing to be Natural Learners to maybe I could teach Grace just a little bit of math as I know it will be helpful. Needless to say I ignore all of the above and follow my deep down instinct which is to trust Grace in her path. She alone knows which way to follow and I can observe, support and encourage and this which brings me immense joy.

When I am in a doubting moment I bring myself back to the present by observing the girls playing or joining in if they allow. Or carrying on with my daily tasks with deep breathes and attention to my movements. Thats when I feel most grateful as the energy flows effortlessly and my body relaxes and feels genuinely at peace. Life is not hard it is easy when living NOW, this moment is always so beautiful and full of aliveness all around, when we are doing what we really want to do in each moment there is no need for guilt, shame, fear or any other negative emotion as there is only joy, excitement, happiness and creativity. I see this often when the girls play, they laugh out loud, become so immersed in their imaginations, move to the sounds around them, jump, roll, swing their limbs........can you tell I have really been Observing for Loving and noticing all that they do, this helps me with this journey back to SELF :)

Mother Role

This comes to mind often as I process being a parent. "Mother Role" for me has meant a huge amount of limitation and blocks that I finally became aware of and have slowly been sifting through. One of which is food. First child had a very strict food existence the first probably two years with breakfast, lunch and dinner being almost the same each day and by the clock most of the time! Luckily I saw the light and second child is very much in charge of her food intake and is very sure of her likes and dislikes. Yes there is what I consider to be junk food consumption and I am able to see this as another of her choices and not feel like I have to be the food police all the time :) I notice first child still occasionally asks for help with her food choices and so I like to quietly explain the importance of her listening to her body and knowing what it needs at any given time. I will also offer my opinion about a food choice if it is asked for, though always with the understanding that this is simply my opinion.

We now make food together and it is part of our learning day to discuss how, when, what and why we eat. As with many other things I listen for new pieces of information that I know I can glean from these smaller people who have the opportunity for much more freedom than I had!

Today"Mother Role" came up for me again when wind and tide aligned for me to go Kite boarding on my own. I felt so free and able to leave the kids with their Dad, take my gear and go for an indefinite time. It was not so long ago when I simply wouldn't go as it was not possible with the amount of housework, food to prepare, washing to fold and things to organise :) Looking back from now I was often overwhelmed with the daily tasks unbeknownst to me.

Wow I have moved ahead leaps and bounds with this. Not only do I leave with waves and kisses goodbye (rather than sneaking away hoping they wouldn't notice i was gone)  I am able to stay in the moment of driving the car to the beach breathing deeply in anticipation of being in nature, unload my gear have a chat to a couple of people about wind conditions. Kiteboard for a couple of hours and then return home to see very happy children who have eaten and have been playing in the water and happy to continue doing this for a furthur hour whilst Dad goes of kite boarding.

Let me explain some of the other crazy things that would go through my mind when I did manage to leave the house alone: what if they get hungry as I am the only one who knows what they like to eat and how to make it, i better really hurry as they might get whingy where no one can calm them down, the house will get totally trashed and it will take me all night to get everything back in order, there will be food left out and end up having to be thrown.......blah blah blah all the reasons I needed to be home with "my" children and cater for there every need.

So to explain how I feel now with my new way of BEing. By leaving the house to pursue kite boarding I am becoming more fit and healthy. I use this time to fill my own cup, I am having fun! I am pursuing a challenging learning experience, creating new friendships with like minded people.......just to name a few things and all of these for me are healthy role modelling for the girls. The beach and kite boarding is often a family affair too. We all love to spend time together at the beach and I love watching them enjoy Dad or I going out for a kite!

Happiness

It has been sometimes subtle and sometimes not the changes towards true happiness for me. This is happiness in the face of anything. Yes even when I am challenged by a situation I can feel happy to have this opportunity to learn and grow. Another term is grateful, finding the positive in a situation means that we can move forward with our learning rather than become stagnant.

I was always fascinated how there were people in WWll Concentration camps of Germany and they have this incredibly positive story to tell of their experience. I remember one man came up with this fantastic exercise program to keep others motivated to live. This is extreme where these people look like skin and bone yet there is still a fire in the belly for those that what to access it!

We certainly don't have conditions like that to contend with so already we are way up there with the luckiest people alive on this earth......we have choice of so much!. Some say this is where the problem lies, or you could be grateful for all this choice and then go about your day with making each choice a good one!!

A few days ago one of the younger members of our Natural Learning group asked me if I wanted a four leaf clover. "Of course!" I beamed and off he went running inside as I sat in the car waiting thinking is this for real? Out he came with a four leaf clover and I felt happy, grateful and lucky all rolled into one!!

The reason it is significant to me is because my Dad has always, since I have known him had a four leaf clover and said this brought him luck. Now at nearly 40 years of age I finally understand that it is little to do with luck and more to do with perspective. Focussing on what we want rather than don't want, seeing the positive in situations, living in a glass half full rather than half empty mentality is how it can be all the time.......which brings more happiness, joy and positive energy to everything you do therefore can only be a recipe for bigger and better things all the time!!

So, honestly when I was given a four leaf clover I said to myself wow can I get any luckier than I already feel in this life? And the answer is a resounding YES, of course I can because as I live in a positive, glass half full perspective things can only become better and more joyful and happy as I learn to live in the present moment every moment of the day :)